Ryan Returns. And Rises. Forever. And Robin

It’s official – this blog has rebooted more than the Batman franchise. I promise not to fake my death with a nuclear bomb though.

As per usual, I’ll lead off this post by promising more content in the near future, even though I’m not entirely certain what that content may just be. I’d like to say that I have a few things in the pipes, but I’ve been saying that for the last four years. Where are these pipes? When is something going to come out?

Likely what will happen is that this will become my personal blog, while other stuff just pops up and gets cross posted here. For example, I’m currently doing some research into what may be a non-profit for promoting financial literacy and planning for Latinos. That’s my ‘A’ project.

Still working on that damn novel. ETA: between now and the end of the world.

As per usual, I’ll close this out with ‘hey – follow up, I’m going to put stuff here’.

I really will. Promise.

Nice shirt, asshole.

Confession time, you guys.

I’m a Mets fan.

Always have been, always will be – baby, I was born this way. Believe me, I sure as hell wouldn’t have picked this team given the choice. I was born into a family of diehards, still riding high on a world series victory in ’86, fully unaware that I’d be 24 years old one day with no victory, let a lone a .500 team in sight.

It sucks too, because I grew up about an hour an a half outside of Philadelphia. Which you think wouldn’t be a problem, but in when the Phils won in ’08 it turned my entire area into a zone of fair-weather a-holes. Quick to put-downs, failing to remember that their team still has the most losing record in sports. I digress.

My point is, its hard being a New York fan here. Like I’ll wear my ball cap and get dirty looks often. Another time I was sitting at a bar and this girl on the other side yelled out, “You’d be cute if you weren’t a Mets fan.” Which was interesting, because if she hadn’t yelled and got my intention, I would have never paid attention to her. Ever.

One time I was out at a diner with some friends – the kind of diner where the food isn’t necessarily ‘good’, but you’ve been coming there for so long, it hardly matters anyway. The kind of place where you can buy a cup of coffee, and just kind of loiter for a while. We had a waitress that was a little bit older than us, and otherwise give us pretty decent service. For a diner, anyway.

We finished our meal and got up to pay, and on the way out, our waitress passes right in front of me. She turns and says, “Have a good night, hon’. And the Mets suck.”

And this shocked me.

I mean, yeah, Lancaster county, Phillies area – I get it, you’re funny.

But she is a waitress. A waitress who I frankly probably over tipped because the bill was so low. Her only job is to basically bring me my food and not insult the diners.

You can’t just call out people who come in because of the things they wear – that’s reckless behavior. That doesn’t work in most situations.

“Special Olympics? Yeah, I bet your mom was in the special olympics!”

“Johnson Family Reunion 2003? Lame!”

“Hey man, nice sweatshirt. You went to the Outer Banks? Fuck the Outer Banks!”

You can’t do that. Maybe I need to move, but you just can’t do that.

Shark Week Drinking Game 2011

What you are about to read is the third iteration of the Shark Week drinking game, updated and tailored to this year’s specifications. A major regulation I’m implementing this year is that if you are drinking Landshark Lager, a beer promoted and endorsed by singer Jimmy Buffett, you are automatically disqualified. This beer tastes like pee. Enjoy!

-Ryan

“So it’s Shark Week, a time that many, myself included, consider to be one of the holiest weeks of the year. Only in America is there an entire week of cable TV dedicated to an animal that will tear you in two, given the chance (Snooki from Jersey Shore notwithstanding). In honor of this most holy week (it is right to give it thanks and praise), I have developed a drinking game that can be played while you are watching. Please use your best discretion if playing, and promise me you won’t drive, operate a boat or handle a harpoon after you’ve been playing.

Take one sip if:

• A portion of Jaws is played.
• A shark bites it’s prey while underwater.
• The narrator reveals that a shark is pregnant.
• A clip or soundbyte of Jaws is played.
• Footage of swimmers on a beach are shown.
• Andy Samberg does something stupid.

Take two sips if:

• A shark breaks the surface to go after prey.
• The narrator explains a bullshit shark technology (‘…this sensor picks up waves and the vibrations that only sharks can hear…’)
• A foreign fisherman is subtitled (double if he’s South American)
• The narrator starts talking about literally any other kind of fish/sea creature.
• You see a commercial for Auction Kings, Mythbusters, or any other fine DISCOVERY programming.
• An interview with a shark attack survivor is shown.
• Boats are circled.
• The narrator issues a ‘don’t try this at home’ styled warning.

Take three sips if:

• Swimmers are circled.
• Harpoons are brandished…take an extra if actually fired.
• An interview with a shark attack survivor is shown.
• There is a mention of a prehistoric shark, or their teeth are shown (Megalodon, etc.)
• A shark approaches a camera and breaks away at the last second. You know what I’m talking about.
• The narrator remind you “just how dangerous these creatures really are.”
• There are more than one kind of shark in the same area. Nurse sharks don’t count.
• Divers enter a cage, safely exit said cage.

Chug if:

• Amputees!
• Great White!
• AIRJAWS!
• A shark completely leaves the water to bite it’s prey. Keep drinking if he’s taking down a bird or something.
• A shark attacks a human in the water.
• A human attacks a shark from a boat. Double if there’s a Jaws reference here.
• Divers enter a cage, Divers do not exit the cage.